I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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