You don't have asthma, your pregnant
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Randomize
