I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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