Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
