the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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