the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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