yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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