I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
