Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
