$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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