Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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