my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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