ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
