I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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