Pants 0. Shit 1.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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