When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
