he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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