Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
