I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
