The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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