rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
