I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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