Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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