Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
