i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
