yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
