Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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