I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
