i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
