He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
