piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
