dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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