Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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