She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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