wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
