you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
