apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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