you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
