all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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