I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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