Will you blow on my dice?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
