I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
