please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
