I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
she smelled like a LAN party
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
