I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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