if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
