Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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