from now on my penis is your penis
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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