i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
