I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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