You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
