I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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