If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
