i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
